Healing

I have been avoiding writing about this on my blog for a while. It is just that the nature of what happened is such a personal thing, but more than that I was just too tender to deal with talking about it. Also, I know that the majority of women go through this at one point in their childbearing years, and knowing that made me feel normal but guilty for making a big deal or saying anything about it. However, here it goes.

Four weeks ago today I had a miscarriage. I am pretty sure I am not alone in this, but I have taken it harder than I expected. I was only 5 weeks along when I miscarried. In fact we did not even know for sure that I was pregnant until earlier that week. Unlike with AB, getting pregnant with this baby was planned, and I promise I knew I was pregnant the day after I actually became pregnant. I was already quite attached.

The day before I lost the baby I had really painful back cramps. I experienced cramps with AB, so I dismissed them as just part of the pregnancy. However when they woke me up in the middle of the night I should have known something was wrong.

On the day of the miscarriage we finished language class around noon, I went to the restroom and I saw one of the worst things that a pregnant woman can see, blood. I swiftly went to my room, laid down and called my sister who did not even know I was pregnant. After convincing her that she need to stop excitedly guessing that I was about to tell her I was pregnant, I told her what was going on. Although I could tell she was hopeful it was nothing, in my heart I already knew what was happening.

My miscarriage was absolutely normal. My body did what it needed to do, and all that was left for me to do was grieve. I know that I was 5 weeks along, but everyone who has ever had a baby really knows those first 2 weeks do not even count. So, technically I had only been pregnant for 3 weeks, so why has this been so hard to deal with? I thought after a week I would be better, but at random times now it hits me and I just can’t hold back the tears.

If you look up the grief cycle of a woman who has miscarried, I fit perfectly. Although I knew I miscarried the baby, in the beginning I still acted like I was pregnant…I was so deluded that I even continued to order maternity clothes on Ebay for 2 weeks post miscarriage. I was also very disturbed that my little baby was flushed down the toilet, yeah I even cried over this. KB was patient with me and he did not say anything about my irresponsible spending habits or me being upset about flushing our baby.

I also became obsessed with getting pregnant again. I started reading into all my bodily functions, trying to convince myself that I was pregnant, that maybe I was one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant like a week after they miscarry. I swung between being convinced I was pregnant and being angry with myself for getting my hopes up. By they way, I am totally not pregnant. That annoying pregnancy test told me so a week ago. Which then led me to my next stage of grieving…

After that annoying pregnancy test told me I was not pregnant again, I became angry about the miscarriage. As far as I was concerned I was supposed to be pregnant right now. I was supposed to be joyfully feeling ill and craving nothing but Mac and Cheese. I was supposed to be thinking of baby names, wondering if we were going to be having another beautiful daughter or our first son. I was supposed to have a newborn baby in my arms this coming fall.

I know the medical reasons for early miscarriages and why I should be grateful that it happened now and not later, blah, blah, blah, but why do people feel the need to tell them to me? Who has convinced them that a grieving hormonal woman wants to hear them? I am a smart girl. I already found all those reasons for myself; I know how to use that wacky Internet machine. Do people think by so graciously informing me, again and again of the reasons, that it is going to make me feel better about NOT BEING PREGNANT? This is one of the reasons I waited to tell people about the miscarriage in the first place. Somehow a lot of people’s brand of sympathy just sounded like torture at the time. A simple, “I am so sorry” is very underrated.

So why have I decided to share this super personal thing on our public blog? First of all, as far as I know most of the people who read our blog are friends and family, people who would probably know about it if I were living in the US. Second, I am ready to move on, I think…and somehow acknowledging it to my friends and family seems like an appropriate move. Thirdly, I was quite forthcoming with a lot of people that we planned to get pregnant just after AB turned one. For their sake I wanted to say something about the miscarriage before they asked for a baby update. At this point I do not feel bad telling friends about the miscarriage, but I know they may feel bad asking about it once they know I miscarried.

I know God does not waste. I know he loved my baby more than I am even capable of. I also know when the time is right I will hopefully have another baby. I am very hopeful.

Our baby was due on Halloween, not quite my favorite day of the year, but from now on I will always remember October 31^st as the day my second baby was to be born. It at least it redeems October 31^st a bit for me.